“For better or for worse, in sickness and in health,” are words that many people say at an age and stage in life when they feel somewhat invincible. Most of us don’t think as deeply as we should about what we are saying in that moment. The reality of age, sickness, even death seem so foreign and far off, concepts that we can’t quite grasp. For most of us, sickness and suffering is an abstraction until we are struck by it.
When sickness and suffering are visited upon us, it’s an opportunity to examine what we really believe. We may have said all the right things before difficulties came our way, but when they come we see how our hearts respond. We see the fears that surface and the ways we struggle. In times like that we have to seek God, to calm our hearts, and to say, “Thy will be done.”
Marcia is a member of our church who has been walking this out for some years now. Her husband Don was diagnosed with Parkinson’s in 2010. If you know Don, you know he is a determined guy that is not willing to let his condition stop him from living his life, but the reality is that Parkinson's makes a lot of things harder to do as the condition progresses. This means that more and more household tasks and even Don’s long term care falls to his wife. Marcia couldn’t have seen this coming when she took her vows.
About three years ago Marcia was attending a caregivers support group. They were given an assignment to share how they were able to stay strong while caregiving. Marcia heard all kinds of ideas like mindful compassion, yoga, self-care talks, going for walks… All of these things can be helpful, but as Marcia listened to the others share she realized that the strategies were primarily focused on finding strength in one’s self.
“You will never be strong enough for this,” she thought all of the sudden. While that could sound like a real downer, it was actually a moment of freedom for Marcia. Looking back, she recognizes that it was probably the voice of the Lord. It caused Marcia to begin thinking about caregiving in a similar way to how she thinks about her salvation. None of us could ever save ourselves or earn our salvation; we need Jesus. This frees us from the burden of our sins and weakness as we fall completely on the work of our savior. Marcia isn’t strong enough on her own to care for her husband and fulfill her wedding vows of better or worse, sickness and health; only God could do it through her. There is so much freedom to be had in acknowledging weakness and surrendering to our total dependence on him. It’s counterintuitive, but the scripture teaches that his power is made perfect in our weakness.
Marcia says that life seems more doable after embracing this truth and knowing that God has promised to be her helper. She can’t do it on her own, but God cares for Don through her and holds her up in the midst of it. She says that this thought even gives her greater compassion for Don in her caregiving.
“Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God, I will strengthen you.
I will help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. ”
Don and Marcia are both under their redeemer’s watchful care. This may not be what they pictured when they first said their vows. God knew though. Even back then, he knew this season was going to be part of their story, and he had a plan to sustain them both through it by his strength. The apostle Paul often talks about this idea that the work we do is not done on our own, but by God’s grace in us through Christ. After thinking about Marcia, and about the teachings of Paul, I want to propose a late addition to the traditional wedding vows.
I take you to be my (husband/wife),
to have and to hold from this day forward,
for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish,
until we are parted by death. Yet not I, but the grace of God within me.
What a freeing and powerful thought. Whether you are walking through Parkinson’s or another health issue, or just trying to keep your vow to cherish your spouse when they irritate or disappoint you, let this be the refrain: “Yet not I, but the grace of God within me.”