As I sat in stopped traffic, I watched the person in front of me edge onto the shoulder for a moment and then back into line. I recognized that move. I’ve seen it before; I’ve probably done it myself. When traffic is unexpectedly backed up, you turn your wheels and inch just outside the line of bumper-to-bumper traffic in the hopes that you will get a glimpse of whatever is causing the pile-up.
But why? What are we hoping to accomplish? There’s this feeling that if you knew whether it was construction or a car accident, that somehow it would help. Chances are you won’t even be able to see the cause of the gridlock. And if you do happen to see a little bit of the action, you will still only have partial information. You still won’t have the whole story, and it won’t do anything to get you out of your spot in the traffic jam.
We’re discontent with our position in the traffic jam, and we feel like the knowledge of what’s causing it will alleviate our discontent. It gives us a sense of control when we are feeling helpless or anxious about being late. What do we learn about ourselves from the traffic jam, then?
Here’s what I can tell about myself, and I think it may be true for you as well. When I feel discontent, anxious, or helpless, I grasp for the illusion of control. I do it by seeking answers to questions like: What or who is causing this? When will it end? Can I avoid it? We seek to learn the cause of the pile-up and try to extrapolate how long this is going to take. We may even look for a place to make a u-turn.
The rest of life is not much different. We try to make u-turns in life to avoid difficulty. Of course we shouldn’t seek out struggle and suffering—that would be foolish. But how often do we know that we are on the road headed where we need to go, and yet we’re looking for an exit to avoid the struggle?
When we are going through a rough patch in marriage or parenting, we might like to get some insight into who we can blame, or look ahead to see how long it might take to just get through it. When we struggle financially, do we look for get-rich quick ideas to try and get out of it? Rather than let God work in his timing, do we ask our pastor or our counselor, “How long before I, or my spouse, or my situation, etc. is ‘fixed’?” We wonder, how long is this traffic jam in my life going to take, or can I find a way to get out of here and avoid it all together?
There’s nothing wrong with desiring knowledge. I personally love knowledge, and reading has been one of the greatest joys in my life. However, when I take a closer look at my own heart, I find that sometimes the knowledge I crave is only for the sake of self-interest and—even more than that—self-reliance. Like Eve, I often take hold of knowledge so that I won’t need to trust and rely on God.
Think about that for a minute. I can trust the God who Job says “sees everything under the heavens” and “is perfect in knowledge,” and enjoy peace–or–I can try to get enough information to try and calm my restless heart, relying on myself (Job 28:24, 37:16). I want to feel like I am in control, like I am all-knowing. I try to quiet my soul with just the right knowledge to give me a sense of power, but it’s like trying to see up ahead in traffic. What I am able to see and consequently know, will be so very limited in scope and effectiveness.
Holy Spirit help us to calm and quiet our souls like the Psalmist does:
“O Lord, my heart is not lifted up; my eyes are not raised too high; I do not occupy myself with things too great and too marvelous for me. But I have calmed and quieted my soul, like a weaned child with its mother; like a weaned child is my soul within me. O Israel, hope in the Lord from this time forth and forevermore.” (Psalm 131)
This psalm describes a peaceful child that completely trusts her mother. That kind of serenity sounds a lot better than the struggle for self-reliance. We won’t be able to access that kind of trust and rest without the help of God’s Holy Spirit. We will be tempted again to ask the questions of “why?” and “how long?”; we will reach for knowledge and control that won’t be the ultimate help that we need. But by God’s grace we can trust him more every day, letting him teach us and lead us, and when we seek knowledge may it be the knowledge of his ways.
I am ever an advocate for self-awareness. I’m not asking anyone to go blithely through life trying not to know anything because “ignorance is bliss”. For the record I think it’s probably okay to take a peek at the traffic jam before you put it in park and call to say you’re going to be late.
“Make me to know your ways, O Lord; teach me your paths. Lead me in your truth and teach me, for you are the God of my salvation; for you I wait all the day long. ”